8-28-2008

Storming through the party like my name was unknown. As if to say I have no regrets and no chance of tomorrow. There's an interesting thought, what would I do if I knew I wouldn't see the next day. The most obvious answers are things like sky dive and bungee jump. Or maybe get really crazy and base jump. I don't really know and it's sort of morbid to think about it. Or maybe being aware of ones own mortality is a good thing. There are always two sides to every thought. Certainly most people can see things differently then me. I am always in the minority about stuff like this.

Some days are just harder then others. It doesn't help when a random song on the radio makes you think of her. I hate when I think about her. I still to this day can not shake these demons out of my head about how and why thing went down like they did. I was so certainly the one to blame. Wasn't she the one who used the “l” word after only a few short weeks and then fumed when I rebuffed the word and refused to use it. I have never liked how much importance people put into that word. It will destroy your life if your not careful. Then on the flip side, it can be the single greatest emotion you will ever experience. Things like this bug me. I still don't understand why shit in life has to be one way or another. It's either the greatest thing ever or the worst. Where the fuck is the gray area? Why don't I ever have “gray” things happen to me. Maybe it's because I have my head screwed on so tight and I never let my head into the clouds. Perhaps, by chance I am to down to Earth.

I never lay awake and ponder shit like I used to, the Ambien takes care of that. I miss all the great thoughts I used to have, but I love getting the right amount of sleep, it's a win/lose thing. I also never dream any more, I don't know if that's a byproduct of the pills or whatnot. It's really disturbs me that there are no dreams. It's like I fall asleep and then I wake up. Word.

I need to let this stuff come out, it does me no justice to keep these words jumbled up in my head. Then they just rattle around in there until a big mess of thoughts give me a migraine. I hate that. I need to express these thoughts before they kill me. Literally kill me, the link between excessive aspirin and ulcers is proven and what do you take to get rid of headache?

Most stuff people do or say, doesn't bother me. I usually let shit roll right off my back and onto the ground. I do not rattle easily, I mean someone really has to work to get me shook up. Some people try but I just laugh at how hard they work just to try and piss me off.

If I Could Go Back In Time:

If I could go back in time

I would do everything differently

I wouldn't make the same mistakes

I would try my hardest every day

I would do my best to succeed at whatever I tried

If I could go back in time

I would kiss her

that night on her front porch

And if I could go back in time

I would NEVER sleep with her best friend

and I would have never lied to her

it's too bad I can't go back in time

I would fix all

all these mistakes I have made

beat

beat

sigh

You know what?

If I could go back in time

I wouldn't change a fucking thing

All of those weren't mistakes

They were learning experiences

And I did try my hardest every day

Also I have been very successful

I don't know what I was thinking

If I undid everything I did

I wouldn't be me

All of these things that have

have happened in my life

They serve to better me as a person

I wouldn't even go back in time

If I was offered a time machine

I would say no thank you

and walk away.

Good free form poem. I like it a lot. And if you are wondering the work is only slightly autobiographical. I did sleep with her best friend, but it was after the night in the parking lot when she dumped me. I did it for revenge and because her friend had been trying to seduce me for some time. You know what? That last statement doesn't make me look good at all. It cast a dark shadow my way. I never said it was the right decision but it was mine to make and I made it. I did lie to her, to many times. I am sorry for that and I know it was stupid shit.

Speaking of that night in the parking lot it's an interesting memory of mine. Because I cannot for the life of me remember what exactly she said or what I replied. The gist of what she said was to break up with me. I do remember, very vividly what I was feeling. My head was swimming and I was nauseous, I can remember I had to sit down on the ground, in that parking lot at two in the morning. I remember that my friend was three spots down making out with one of her friends. They both had significant others, but some reason I was not upset with either of them. I remember her turning to walk away and I laid down right there and looked up at the blanket of stars overhead. I cannot remember what I was thinking. I remember getting up and throw up on that tree, I still to this day know exactly where that tree is. It's the same tree that I held her hair at as she threw up, that was our first date. Date is not the best word for that because we went to a house party but we did it together. I still go back to that parking spot, the one I laid down in that night. I have a sense memory tied to that place, it always takes me back. Our tree is still there too. The last thing I remember about that night, we broke up is after I threw up at the tree I got up to head home. I got in my friends truck, his blue Dakota. The keys were in it. I started it up. I backed out and left, he was too busy making out to notice. I remember I got halfway home before I realized what I had done. I had to go back and give him his truck and take my car. I was so heart broken that I couldn't think straight. I don't know how I drove home. If a cop would have stopped me I would have failed a sobriety test. Even though I did not drink a single drop of alcohol. I was just messed up, emotionally. And then I slept with her friend two days later.