9-2-2008

9-2-08

Why do we struggle to see what is gong own past our own slice of life? Why is it so hard to grasp the big picture? I once asked a friend why he was in college and studying engineering. His response set me back a bit. The future. That was his reply, for the future. I had to hear him elaborate on this answer. He pointed out that his ultimate goal was to be happy. He foresaw the best way to do this was to have a wife and two point five kids. Live in the two story, white picket, suburban house. That would make him truly and completely happy. And being an engineer would provide him the amount of income needed to supply these dreams. Plus he kind of dug engineering so it wouldn't be so bad to do it everyday. I sat in silence and mused on his answer for sometime. I still think about it to this very day. I share his ultimate goal. To be happy and have the wife, the kids, and the house. I am sure the majority of people do share this dream. Where I am off set is in the how to gain these things. As you may know I took one look at college and disagreed and despite that observation, even gave the monster a try. It wasn't right and it never felt so. I also hate the idea of majoring in something that I kind of dig. If I am going to do something for the next forty or so years, I better damn love it. I never found anything like that. Nothing I do now or have ever done gives me an impression that I could do it for that many years. Now I know my friend is not just settling for engineering, he may have down played it in his statements, but he loves that stuff. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about his classes. Thats awesome for him. He is great and I am glad things worked out for him. However, I cannot help but wonder why my life is not falling into place as well as others seem to be. I want to believe that He has a plan for everyone, I truly do. It's is just hard to watch everyone else putting the pieces together, while I can't even find half of the pieces of my own life puzzle.

The Poetry:

Mistakes

beat

I made none

beat

Regrets

beat

I have none

beat

Things I can't forget

beat

I should hold dear

beat

Nights I can't remember

beat

the lessons I learned

beat

Days I wish I'd died

beat

Days I loved life

beat

When I lied

beat

When she cheated on me

beat

When she cried

beat

She deserved to be hurt

beat

She did it to herself

beat

I shouldn't be so mean

beat

I miss it all

beat

the drama

beat

the love

beat the tears

beat

I miss the tears the most

beat

beat

end...

I am not sure what that is. The way I heat that is as if each line is read between the extremely slow beat of a heart. I hope you got the same message from it all, that I did. If not, it is okay. Everyone reads and interprets poetry in their own special way.

I have used this gift to my advantage before. I have a special ability to craft sentences that are devastating. I know because I destroyed four lives. This one sets us all the way back to my Senior year of high school. I was dating a beautiful brunette at the time. She was of course a Sophomore, and two years younger then yours truly. I truly was happy and I could not have asked for a better girl to go through a hectic year like that with. She stood by me through it all. As I was struggling to pick a school plus working a part time job, and still partying with my friends. I used her as my rock, she was always strong and firm when I needed her to be. We used to talk on the phone every night before bed. It was great. When I decided not to go to prom, she supported my decision. Even though I could see that she really wanted to go. We did something else really special that night instead. Of course, because I am a guy, I fucked it up. It happened like this, there a hot blonde who sat next to me in one of my classes. This blonde is special to me because I had been lusting after her since the eighth grade. I had never stood a chance until one day in class she looked right at me and asked if she could borrow my notes from the class. I didn't think anything about handing over my entire notebook. I failed to remember that my personal journal was in the notebook. The personal journal I was writing that year was for creative writing class and was a stream on conscience piece. Meaning that during certain spans I would write every thought I had down. Even the random thoughts and the horny thoughts as well. I also failed to remember that there were three instances where I described in detail my attraction to this blonde, I had no chance with. I didn't realize the weapon I had handed this beautiful blonde that day. It finally hit me when she handed my binder back two days later. She had gone through my personal journal and read everything I had written and where she had thoughts about my words she interjected her own words. As it turns out she was a closet writer. Well one thing led to another and we started writing notes back in forth. My blonde girl was dating a preppy blonde boy named Alex, and she often wrote that she wanted to end it with him. Well we started to have more and more of a relationship, talking on the phone until late hours and such.

It all came to a head on a Sunday night. My blonde called to say that she was dumping her boy and that we needed to talk about it. So she came over and was sitting on my bed and we were talking about it. I made my intentions to date her clear. She of course rejected this. I told her I would dump my girlfriend and she told me that was not gong to happen. So I wrote the most beautiful love letter ever constructed. I used all on my best words and turned amazing phrases. I passed to the blonde in class and she loved it. I had to get rid of my girlfriend that night. That night I took my gorgeous brunette girl to her favorite restaurant and as we shared her favorite dessert she told me that she loved me.

And I dumped her. Stupid move I know. She was dumb struck, I told her it was because I didn't use the word love and that because she did I couldn't see her any more. That was all a total load of crap and a damn lie. She cried as I drove her home, we haven't spoken since. Now that I was free I called my blonde and told her I was coming over, she told me it was cool. When I go to her house I told her about what I had just done and she looked really upset. She explained that the person she fell for was the man who wrote the beautiful things in the love letter, not the jackass who just dumped his girlfriend like I did. I left her house that night and I haven't spoken to her since either.

As I sit here and read my story I realize a few truths. Paramount among them is that the dark haired Sophomore I dumped may have the best thing that ever happened to me. If things had not ended like that we would almost certainly still be together. Another thought that occurs to me is that I used my gift as a writer to make someone who most likely had no intimate feelings for me, have those same feelings. This could never have worked out. I know our relationship would have failed, as the guy romantic guy she fell for did not then exist. I say that because with maturity I hope to one day evolve into that guy. Anyways, I also realize that I may have ruined Alex's life, seeing as I pushed our blonde heroine toward breaking up with him. This one was forgiven by Alex himself a few months back. HE is certain that their relationship was failing. His words offered me no comfort in what I had done whatsoever. The last lesson I derive form this is that I did not handle things well with either young woman. Trying to make someone love you is stupid and leaving what may have been the love of my life for something that was fake was a terrible mistake.

The light does shine at the end for me. I am still young and I am a huge believer in learning form your past. I draw lessons from this series of events and will avoid making the same mistakes twice.

Now I am at peace again.