8-29-2008

Theres something about a girl in white. Makes me want to drive through West Virginia in a Cadillac. It's a strange feeling. I can't explain it. Anyway on with life. Something strange happens to me whenever I get around people I can not stand. I get a sudden urge to punch someone. Weird, I bet no one else feels that way. As it turns out too much Caffeine is wicked bad for you. The energy kick in the pants you get wares out out and you crash, big time. I have a daydream about her, it comes around whenever I get bored at work. It comes on when I am doing something arbitrary and routine. I always find myself running out to get her. It's strange because I don't feel that strongly about her anymore. At least I don't think I do. However, I am a big believer in the theory that dreams and daydreams are the sub conscience mind trying to solve a difficult problem. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am trying to figure out. Perhaps it is all metaphorical, and it may not even have anything to do with her. I do not know what she could be symbolic of, maybe a heart breaking bitch. Oh wait, that isn't a symbol at all that is what she is.

While I am problem solving maybe I can try to figure out why relationships scare the shit out of me and why I run away from them. I think that solving that may require some sort of specialized training and maybe a degree or three. You see what I did there? You thought I was going for a degree or two, but I totally changed it up on you. I am crafty like that. If you have not guessed by now I am writing my stream of conscience and I have to say tonight is some freaking weird shit. I have no idea why I am such a jerk. Actually most people consider me an asshole. I can live with that, most people don't live up to my standards of them. I know I should lower my standards but damn it. I lost that train of thought. I was going somewhere witty and clever but I can't remember. In honor of tonight's strange ideas, I am getting to the poetry early.

Inspiration

I draw on

on my inspiration

ideas flood my

my head when I tap

when I tap in

words flow forth from

forth from my fingers

rolling on

on out of me

and forth for the world

for the world to read

and I draw more and more

from my inspiration

my muse if you will

it isn't reading

it isn't writing

it my love for you

that inspires me

That is a free form mess and I know it. Expect to see that poem resurface at a later time and in a new way. I will be working on it. And just to be clear there is no actual person who I muse. There have been in the past but none currently. In the tradition I started last night, here is the section where I tell an old memory.

She had the most beautiful blue eyes. When I stared into them it wasn't like I was looking into her soul. It was like a gate way to my own soul. For some odd reason looking into her eyes always forced me into introspection. It wasn't bad either, it was the good kind of self searching that I could do all day long. The reason why I didn't kiss her that night on her parents porch had little to do with not wanting to. I really wanted to. I was not scared either, I knew she wanted it bad. I just stared into her eyes and saw myself and didn't want it to ever end. I could have stood there even longer. I looked deep into my own being and found a deep passion for this girl. It was the most amazing experience of my life.

Thinking about her eyes also triggers another memory I have, this one from my short time in college. This one had some gorgeous green eyes. She was way out of my league and how we ended up together is still a mystery to me. I don't mean she was out of my league romantically, I mean her family had more money then I will ever earn in my entire life. Or ten entire lives for that matter. I think what brought us to each other was understanding. Let's be honest, most college students are not looking for a long term relationship. She was looking for the future, I don't think I was a bad prospect. What cut us short was a frat brother friend of mine who was looking for a quick score. The man drove a very big wedge between her and myself so he could get off one night when she was on the rebound. However, karma is a tricky mistress. I only learned recently that she was impregnated that night. They are getting married this spring and they have a two year old daughter. I was invited to the wedding. I have mixed feelings about going. I mean I severed the ties with my old frat friends and burned that bridge so completely that I could never go back even if I wanted too. But I do miss her and I do genuinely care about her life. I would love to see her again and meet their kid. If that little girl is anything like her mother, she going to be awesome.

I will leave it there for tonight. I have to work early in the morning. Sorry to bare the bad news but I will be writing only a half entry on Sunday. I have a busy day and an early Monday. Giving you guys a heads up so no ones feelings get hurt.

“But in the end, I want to thank you. Because you made me that much stronger.”

Let it roll off your back children.